Yeah Yeah Yeah...

Had to brush my shoulders off for a bit.


Alright, so it's been a while right? Nah....Yeah it has! Haha. Wow I have so much to talk about I don't even know where to begin. 


Okay let's start with today! Today was "sum ole bullshit" *in my super black Daryl voice* and you know why?! Okay let me tell you. So last week my English teacher wanted us to submit a topic proposal for our research paper. If you know me you know I don't like starting from scratch. I need an example. So I decide to make my own topic proposal usng the same TEMPLATE, not informaton, as one of my classmates. As I procrastinated about submitting it on time I accidently renamed my classmates work "Daryl Ricketts_Topic_Proposal" and submitted it. Next day my teacher emals me like "You used another students work, you get an F". So I'm sitting here like a dumbass trying to explain it to her and she'll reply to me tomorrow but fuck her and fuck that class yo :( Only cost me $120 anyway. I bet she's racist.


Another thing I wanted to bring up was the whole Shelly deal. So apparently Shelly is a guy named Adam, no big deal really, but some recent events have kind of made that a big deal. I mean I knew that Nick and Dys knew the entire time because they would drop hints, but at the time I didn't know what on earth they were talking about and when I asked they would keep me in dark. So much for friends. Not like it even mattered since Adam, "Shelly's" real name, would be out friend regardless so lately Dys hasn't been talking to me...like...at all. And since everyone in our call is a guy I am now comfortable with going totally supah black Daryl mode and Adam seems to take offense to it. He doesn't say it, but I can tell and I kind of think he doesn't even like me anymore. He showed up in one of my rooms yesterday and was like "Oh ima play with Keaton and Pentao now peace". I'm like okay...who says I didn't want to come play with Keaton and Pentao? I haven't played with them in almost a month. No invitation, no word from Pentao or anything. So at that point I felt kind of sad on the inside, then my other half just says "Fine. Forget them, I'll just log off and do something else". I felt ditched and that is the worse feeling you can feel amongst friends, online or offline. And right now Nick is all down my throat about letting FuzionBranz back in my tournament so thats another biggie. I did get rid of him though since it was kind of unfair, but he didn't even so much thank me for letting him in the tournament to begin with. I bypassed 5 waiting spots just for him. I feel unappreciated, and starting to feel like just not coming back to the group in general. 


Of course nothing would be the same without Daryl Ricketts, but we all thought that when Eli left too and now look, everything is back to normal and no one really gives a damn. 


Oh and speaking of tournaments...I hosted a 1v1 Tournament in Kim's place this year and holy shit. I didn't know the drama was so damn real. The girl was really stressed out and now I see why. The 1v1 community is full of nothing but freaking trolls that lie about scores and can't take a loss for shit. Wow. This will be the last tournament I promise that. I actually do this for the community but these people are just rude and want everything handed to them on a silver platter. Sharing accounts, breaking the rules etc. I even have spectators and people are still causing drama. How the hell does that happen?! Whatever...I'm pretty much feeling done with Rumble Fighter. I'm really just sticking around until this tournament is done.Then I'll probably focus on real life a little bit more and get a girlfriend or something.


Speaking of girlfriend....There is this girl named Jasmine who I've known since I was about 14, but we didn't start talking til she was about 16 probably because she is my best friends sister. Yeah...imagine that. He seems okay with it though, but her parents give me the weirdest vibes even though they've known me for years. Okay I admit...last year we had the whole sexting thing going on and her parents found out LOL. So maybe that's the reason? Yep. But still they let me take her on dates so maybe they are over it. I'm definitely careful as to what I text her now because her mom is a freakin creeper. The girl is 18 now for crying out loud. Let her live her life. I like Jasmine...She's different though. She used to be my ideal girl back in the day. You know the girl that goes to church, is a virgin, loves video games etc. But since I've been dating all these freaking hoes! Ugh...I don't even know a good girl when I see one anymore...That's pretty sad.


Alright that's all I'm going to do for today. I have to get up early tomorrow for class....See you guys soon. I promise! I don't break promises!

The Last of Angie.

Well...


Today was that day. The day that I feared all weekend, my lunch with Angie. Firstly, I'd like to mention that in order to get to this lunch on time I ironed my clothes, brushed my teeth twice, mouth washed twice, consistently brushed my hair, and sprayed on the best smelling fragrance I had. By the time I got there though Angie didn't go to lunch simply because she didn't have the time, but she took a10 minute break. That break was the longest 10 minutes ever...


She sat down with me on a window seal overlooking the city on the top floor of the hospital. Behind us were 2 men cleaning windows. She jumped straight to the point:


Angie: Alright so....yeah, I can't date you because you know our age differennce is just too much for me.
Daryl: Well...
Angie: I mean I really like you a lot and if I were a few years younger there would be absolutley no competition in terms of us being together, but you know it's like...say you were 10 and I was 21. Thats a huge difference!
Daryl: Well yeah because you're a kid at 10 years old Angie. . .
Angie: Exactly! So you see what I mean, because I'm going to be 33 soon.
Daryl: Angie, do you even know how much older you are than me?
Angie: Hmm....No....Uhm...wow look at those guys out there. I bet they get paid a lot to do that job.
*Easy attempt to avoid pressure*
Daryl: Hm yeah I guess so.
Angie: Daryl I am suprised you don't have a girl friend. There is no girl you're interested in at all like when you go to school?
Daryl: No. They lack the maturity levels I'm looking for. You however have a mixture of the appropiate maturity level along with knowing how to have fun as if we were kids again.
Angie: Well you're a awesome catch Daryl, you'll find somebody for sure.
Daryl: Whatever...
Angie: No seriously take the compliment. You're very cute.
Daryl: Aww, alright thanks. Well what about when I'm 32.
Angie: Definetly!
Daryl: Wow Angie come on now. You'll probably be married with kids and what not.
Angie: Haha No! You will be if you keep walking around looking like that.
Daryl: Man : (
Angie: I'm sorry Daryl. I better get going. The nurses already  know where I'm at right now.
*holds out her hand to shake mine*
Daryl: Awh, really now, you're gonna give me a handshake? = / No hug? : (
Angie: I can't. . .*points up to mirror reflector above us* They will see me.
Daryl: So what. . .They've seen me walk you to your car....you know what alright. *shakes hand*
Daryl: *looks at my own hand* :(
Angie: You understand though, right?
Daryl: *unsure smile* Yeah...Yeah
Angie: Alright. Still come up to see me though okay?
Daryl: Yeah...sure thing...see ya....


I wasn't going to try to convince her anymore. She just dropped everything on me at once so much that she was the only one doing the talking really. I thought we could at least be friends and hang out first but she totally skipped that step and laid out the whole "this is why we can't be together" speech.


Whatever man...I'm not going to visit her anymore. And when I don't I hope she knows why. Seeing her only will make me feel this moment over again. I know she'll ask Zane about me but I'll just tell him to tell her I'm still recovering because I am. I went to work right afterwards and I didn't really care for anything. I didn't eat, help out the nurses like I normally do, drink anything, nothing. I just did what I had to do and went home heartbroken. Felt like a breakup although it wasn't. Ah well...At least I wasn't in love with her. That would of made it worse. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder so maybe not seeing her for a while is a good thing although when I passed by today I could tell by the look on her face she wanted me to walk her to her car again. I couldn't bare to even look at her anymore and it wasn't because I was bitter towards her. It was because I'm still having trouble accepting everything she told me. But what do I know?


I'm just a soon to be heart doctor that knows everything about the heart, but nothing about the "heart". At least I can say I tried. I could of not even started talking to Angie and then I would of had 100% chance of failure. Oh well guess I'll just have to date Shelly. Haha, just kidding.

Angie. . .

 

I must write about this while it's still fresh on my mind. So I'm just going to jump into it. (Yes, I shaved my beard.)

I started working at Wakemed Hospital last May, and since then I've met a Nurses-Aide on the 6th floor whom I hardly knew. She worked only two days a week and goes to school during her free time. She flirted with me a lot and I flirted back, but eventually discovered that her name was Angie. Angie, whose age I did not know at the time but looked no older than 24, slowly became my motivation at work. She was pretty, in school, funny, and very easy to talk to. Months passed and since I hardly worked on the sixth floor I did not see her more than probably once or twice a month. Some months went by and I wouldn't see her at all. I missed her, but as time went by I ejected those feelings I had for her because it seemed like we would always be flirting and nothing more. It took me a lot of courage to ask her for her phone number one day too but she was around friends so she told me no :(.  A few months went by and my friend/co-worker Zane told me last week that Angie really wanted to see me.

I remember promising Angie that I would see her but as feelings faded I had totally forgot about the promise. I actually spent time searching for other women. Zane telling me that Angie wanted to see me actually made those feelings come back. So today was that day I went to see Angie again. Beautiful is an understatement and single....Ugh. Knowing me I'm not the most "Go get it" type of guys. I'm pretty nervous around someone I feel is totally out of my league and Angie is one of those types of women. 

I went to help out Zane, who works on Angie's floor all the time, just so I can see Angie. Every meal of the day I was there to see her, but I don't think she realized that until later on. Around dinner time I swallowed my soul to ask her if I can walk her to her car. She said yes (Omg YES!) but if you know me I just smiled and said "cool". You can tell when I really like someone because when I smile my dimples show like a mother fluxer and I can't stop smiling around that person for the life of me.  So she tells me she gets off at 7:08pm. I'm on her floor at 6:45 ready. I borrowed a toothbrush, mouthwash, everything homie! I was ready for this 5 minute walk to the car. So I start walking her and she immediately does one of those moves where we arm link. Smiling again I walk her to her car in this position. She tells me that her back is in a lot of pain and I feel around her back and ask where and she puts my hand right on/above her ass. (Oh my :x , but at the same time, No. I don't want Angie for her body although it is very nice).

We get to her car which is a 2001 Camry and in my mind I'm like "Phew! At least her car isn't better than mine." Haha.  So she hugs me and sits in her front seat for a while and the conversation went kind of like this:

Daryl: So...um...when is the next time you work?

Angie: Well I work Monday, Thursday, and Saturday this week.

Daryl: What? You told me you work every Friday and Saturday.

Angie: Well babe, this week is the only week that's different.

Daryl: Haha, alrighty then. Well I could come by on Monday.

Angie: Oh sure, we can have lunch together :)

Daryl: That sounds great, what time is your lunch?

Angie: Around 1:30-2:00pm. We only get 30 minutes for lunch.

Daryl: Alright, I'll have to come in early to work, but sure I can meet up with you around that time.

Angie: Aww, you don't have to come to work early for me.

Daryl: No, but I will :)

Daryl: Um....Angie....

Angie: Hm?

Daryl: Why do you only want to see me while I'm at work? I'd be glad to take you out sometime.

Angie: Well, um...you can email me...um...

Daryl: Hehe...aw never mind.

Angie: Daryl, you are a really handsome guy, and I like everything about you but we are too different, we don't have much in common.

Daryl: But Angie you don't even know me that w.........

Angie: And besides our age difference...

Daryl: Wha?! Angie how about how old are you?

Angie: Daryl, I'm 32.

Daryl: Well...Age isn't anything, but a number (give me a break, its the only thing I could think of)

Angie: Sigh, Daryl I wish I was a young girl then I would throw myself at you but I mean...I'm thinking about retirement and stuff...Are you thinking of retirement? *jokingly*

Daryl: No Haha...I mean well yeah sometimes...I save 10% of all my paychecks.

Angie: Hahaha. I mean I like you and we can talk...

Daryl: You don't want to call or anything? :(

Angie: Well I mean...I don't want to be with someone from work like..yeah, ya know?

Daryl: No, what do you mean?

Angie: I mean like what if we break up, and you come to my floor and things will be kind of awkward.

Daryl: I'm not the type to just hate you, even if we broke up which I don't think would happen, I'm always willing to be friends and being able to accept we can't be together...(That's a freakin lie. I'd be hurt the rest of the year and then some! I'd probably cry every day for months! LOL)

Angie: . . .

Daryl: Are you married, Angie?

Angie: Heh...nope. No ring on my finger...never has been. :)

Daryl: Oh.

Angie: Well...we can talk about all this Monday, Daryl. You're still on the clock.

Daryl: Haha okay....:( I mean we could do that. I'm not trying to rush you or anything.

Angie: Alright Daryl, see you on Monday :)

Daryl: See you then, Angie, good night :)

Angie: Night :)

Sigh, yes I remember the entire conversation. I won't lie, my intention was to get her phone number. And this is the 2nd time she denied me, but she's single....I don't know...I know she likes me it just seems like shes thinking about all the wrong things. Age, retirement, money, etc. I mean what about just having someone that actually loves you for who you are no matter how old they are...or their future plans...Man...what am I going to do. Every time I eject my feelings away from Angie I just cry. Should I go through that pain again or continue talking to her to see how things play out? I like to play it safe, I don't like taking risk but ugh...I don't know. I don't want to be heart broken again and that conversation really did break my heart although I did a great job hiding it from her. Maybe I was expecting to get too far in one night. . .man...I don't know what to do, but I don't want to let her go so easily. Yes it's crossed my mind that she is 32 making only probably $10 an hour, but she is trying to better herself. And at 32...she could have a very interesting past. I want to know all of that but...I don't know...will she give me the chance or just treat me as a young guy trying to target an older woman....I need some advice before I get myself hurt...I'm tired of the games though. Why is it so hard to find someone? Why does it take sooooo much courage for me to open up to someone then I'm constantly getting shut down? And why is my heart so fragile that it'll break over little things like this. . .Good night.

A Friendly Love Letter?

Hey, You.

I was sitting in the cafe at work today and was about to order a coffee (which I can't stand by the way), and I saw this couple a few tables over, laughing and smiling and touching each other’s shoulders when they said something particularly witty. I thought of you, and I ordered a tea instead.

Isn’t that the definition of our friendship, that I like coffee and you like tea? I’m just a little reserved, a little too energetic at times for my own good – you’re there to smooth things out, to cut through my bullshit with a racist ass joke sometimes, often with other insults though. It's cool yo. And that’s why we go so well together…well, would go.

As painful as it is to commit to writing, the simple truth of the matter is that you're oblivious to all of this. It’s no one’s fault, really, and there was never any  real way to tell in the first place...okay there was, but maybe it was overlooked or never brought up. We are just different people, from different backgrounds, different races, headed in very different directions. Geographically and emotionally, we are just nowhere near each other.

And sometimes we talk, we have conversations that feel like slipping on my old sweat pants I wore my freshman year of college and just listen. We just don’t have as much to say but jokes which can be fun sometimes, even games but I don't feel that you won't take me seriously at a time I need to be serious. Spilling our respective histories since the last time we spoke is getting harder, it’s taking up more time, especially when another friend comes along and every moment between us where I read of a new, exciting, important change in your life that happened years before we even knew each other – it stings a bit. I’m so happy for you, but wasn't there to be happy for you simply because I didn't exist in your life.


But, hey, that’s okay. You didn't exist in my world either. You didn't exist when I got a new girlfriend and when I was crowned as the top 5 B-Boys on the east coast, when I got that text it made me tear up in front of my computer screen in the middle of a Starbucks (and trust me those don't blend too well together). Two weeks ago, I would have breathlessly recounted every minute detail, and you would have made it all better. I know you would of, but I never given you the chance. You're always there with a band-aid, and you’ll never know how much I appreciate it. If all the scars weren't self made because of you, I would of gladly let you patch them.


My secrets, the ones you have, even that very important one that only you will ever know – keep them. Please keep them, and I will keep yours. Know that you are a little safety deposit box in my life, that you have kept things for me that were too much to bear on my own although you may not realize it because I only deposit it into you through jokes. And that no conversation between us at three in the morning online will ever be forgotten. Know that the time you got way too excited and said into my speaker, “Daryl, I love you!!!” through your sodden laughter will always be one of my fondest memories. I watch that video in my mind and hear myself smiling as I speak, laughing with you, giving you direction and telling you your motivation, and I am back in that moment. It makes my chest feel warm and tight, it makes me swell up with happiness–but I will never put it on Facebook, don’t worry. Those people aren't worth my time, but its not like were Facebook friends anyway.


I know I will never lose you, that you will always remain in my life in some way, even if only in fond memory and the occasional “Oh my god, it’s been forever, how are you?” I want you to understand just how important you are to me, how important you will always be, even if our time spent together doesn’t reflect that. Nothing about our friendship will ever feel sour, and even though it’s petering out as I write this (perhaps the most painful way for any love to fade), all jokes aside, I have only the fondest feelings for you and I can't help it.  It's just that as we each other, there’s no socially acceptable way for me to stop you and say, “WILL YOU DATE ME YOU’RE PRETTY I LIKE YOU GET IN THE VAN.” Sorry, I'm trying to keep you in the dark about this as much as I can so I can't be dropping hints in this blog post. Since I know for a fact that more than five people read this a week.

I have to memorize your face, scorch it into my brain tissue, carve your perfect features into my mind. When I get home, if I could and we attended the same school,  I’d get on Facebook and go through every student’s profile one by one until I find you. It’ll take a long time, but don’t worry. I’m very patient. And after some extensive research, I’ll discern what classes you’re taking, and, oh yes, I’ll enroll in those classes, academically excel at those classes, sit next to you in those classes, and you will ask me to help you in those classes. You will. You’ll need my help because I’ll be so proficient at the curriculum. But all creepiness aside.

I like and care (can't say love) you, and I don’t think we say that enough to our friends. But as much as I have ever loved a woman or my own family, in a very different and perfectly unique way, I really like you. Please remember that no matter what may happen down the road, no matter what man may break your heart or terrible event may befall you, that I will always keep the part of you you gave to me. I will always listen. Though that  may lie dormant, though we may slip quietly into years-long stretches of not having the time to talk, I will never forget that it is there.

I want the world for you, and perhaps that is what I must thank you the most for. You have taught me what it is to be truly altruistic, to watch your life slowly starting to pass by without me in it and not feeling wronged or excluded. I want what is best for you, no matter what that means. I want to see you grow, even if from afar.

Please blog and talk to me when you can, and know that there will always be one of us on my mind. Even when, years from now, someone may see it and have no frame of reference for who that beautiful girl is next to me or on  my monitor, I want to look at it often.

I promise that when we’re  in the same state, when you’ve come back from your side of the world and I from mine, we’ll have a day together that will slip into a night and we’ll lose oxygen from all of the things we just need to say to each other. I promise that I will make the time. But I know in my heart that even if we punctuate our very opposite lives with a few precious moments of togetherness, that we are not what we are meant to be. And that’s okay. Were good/best friends, we looked forward to introducing our friends to each other, and we played until the early morning hours. We’ll always have that, and we don’t need to prove it to anyone, including ourselves.

I know you'll never come around because lets face it, I'm probably not your type of guy, but I’m somewhat comfortable in that. I smile when I think of the life you’re living, and won't begrudge you living it so fully when our friendship no longer fits into our schedules. Please know, above all else, that even though it’s not nearly as obsessed over in our society as romantic love, that you have changed me similar to the last girl that left me. I am a better person for having been your friend, and you are in everything I do. Be well, take care, and don't be surprised if one day I just don't show because you'll always be with me.

And by the way, that tea was nice, it was green tea, but I still needed a coffee afterwards.

Love,

Daryl

Phew...now that's out of my system I'm in the mood to play games again.

My Outer Thoughts on Shelly and Online Friends

I just got in the door after showering and everything. Twelve hour days really take 85% of my energy sheesh and those nurses don't make it any better.


This blog post was going to be about Shelly but...nah I'm kidding it is. Kinda. . .


Here is where I get to say what I don't really think, but rather my outside thoughts that cover up my inside thoughts. Really this should of been posted before the last blog, but whatever yo. Last night was pretty crazy. She was going HAM on me and even called me a pussy and a bitch twice. :( I was at work today and usually the only thing I think about at work is whatever was on my mind last and that happen to be Nick and Shelly.  Mainly Shelly though because Nick couldn't talk at the time but it felt as if the whole conversation kept playing in my head over and over. She was stuck in my head all day and I couldn't do anything about it. I was trapped in the hospital surrounded by people I didn't want to talk to so I couldn't change my train of thought. I tried to get her our of my mind by talking to my only friend at work but he was depressed because his baby mom claimed all his kids on her taxes so that didn't help at all. While thinking I even considered going to Canada possibly during the summer or when I decide to take a vacation. I thought of the things we'd do and the games we'd play all the way up to the point I had to return home. Yes, 12 hour days are no joke. My mind was running all day. I'm still iffy on the Canada thought though. I don't like the cold too much and I don't like Shelly too much either. (hah! I gotchu back)


I thought about Nick a little bit today as well. I wonder how Laura and him are doing. He doesn't bring her up as much as he used to but I know he still loves her. Him and I have very common personalities when it comes to women but he's a little less sensitive about certain things. I also kind of wonder about Pentao and Alto (Dys). It seems like being together with the whole Skype gang would be kind of fun if we didn't invite Hector (lol no I'm kidding, Hector is a pretty cool guy). Man I'd kill to have these friend in real life I swear. Were all different races, ages and background and get along so well. That's a very rare find in North Carolina where the only friends I get are the girls interested in me and that's no fun at all. Sometimes I wonder....and I was also thinking this at work...What will happen when we all go our separate ways? Will one leave and the rest slowly leave thereafter? Will we quit rumble fighter and all get caught up in our own relationships? What if we split up and after a few years everyone is married with careers and kids? I guess you can't change some things so it's good to enjoy the times that we do have together because we all know it won't last forever. Sure maybe some of us will keep in touch or our relationship with one will grow into something more making us keep in touch. Who knows? Ugh..I'd definitely miss Shelly I'm sad to say but what can you do?


Guess it's best to enjoy every moment we spend together because we'll never know when we will play our last round.