Hey, You.
I was sitting in the cafe at work today and was about to order a coffee (which I can't stand by the way), and I saw this couple a few tables over, laughing and smiling and touching each other’s shoulders when they said something particularly witty. I thought of you, and I ordered a tea instead.
Isn’t that the definition of our friendship, that I like coffee and you like tea? I’m just a little reserved, a little too energetic at times for my own good – you’re there to smooth things out, to cut through my bullshit with a racist ass joke sometimes, often with other insults though. It's cool yo. And that’s why we go so well together…well, would go.
As painful as it is to commit to writing, the simple truth of the matter is that you're oblivious to all of this. It’s no one’s fault, really, and there was never any real way to tell in the first place...okay there was, but maybe it was overlooked or never brought up. We are just different people, from different backgrounds, different races, headed in very different directions. Geographically and emotionally, we are just nowhere near each other.
And sometimes we talk, we have conversations that feel like slipping on my old sweat pants I wore my freshman year of college and just listen. We just don’t have as much to say but jokes which can be fun sometimes, even games but I don't feel that you won't take me seriously at a time I need to be serious. Spilling our respective histories since the last time we spoke is getting harder, it’s taking up more time, especially when another friend comes along and every moment between us where I read of a new, exciting, important change in your life that happened years before we even knew each other – it stings a bit. I’m so happy for you, but wasn't there to be happy for you simply because I didn't exist in your life.
But, hey, that’s okay. You didn't exist in my world either. You didn't exist when I got a new girlfriend and when I was crowned as the top 5 B-Boys on the east coast, when I got that text it made me tear up in front of my computer screen in the middle of a Starbucks (and trust me those don't blend too well together). Two weeks ago, I would have breathlessly recounted every minute detail, and you would have made it all better. I know you would of, but I never given you the chance. You're always there with a band-aid, and you’ll never know how much I appreciate it. If all the scars weren't self made because of you, I would of gladly let you patch them.
My secrets, the ones you have, even that very important one that only you will ever know – keep them. Please keep them, and I will keep yours. Know that you are a little safety deposit box in my life, that you have kept things for me that were too much to bear on my own although you may not realize it because I only deposit it into you through jokes. And that no conversation between us at three in the morning online will ever be forgotten. Know that the time you got way too excited and said into my speaker, “Daryl, I love you!!!” through your sodden laughter will always be one of my fondest memories. I watch that video in my mind and hear myself smiling as I speak, laughing with you, giving you direction and telling you your motivation, and I am back in that moment. It makes my chest feel warm and tight, it makes me swell up with happiness–but I will never put it on Facebook, don’t worry. Those people aren't worth my time, but its not like were Facebook friends anyway.
I know I will never lose you, that you will always remain in my life in some way, even if only in fond memory and the occasional “Oh my god, it’s been forever, how are you?” I want you to understand just how important you are to me, how important you will always be, even if our time spent together doesn’t reflect that. Nothing about our friendship will ever feel sour, and even though it’s petering out as I write this (perhaps the most painful way for any love to fade), all jokes aside, I have only the fondest feelings for you and I can't help it. It's just that as we each other, there’s no socially acceptable way for me to stop you and say, “WILL YOU DATE ME YOU’RE PRETTY I LIKE YOU GET IN THE VAN.” Sorry, I'm trying to keep you in the dark about this as much as I can so I can't be dropping hints in this blog post. Since I know for a fact that more than five people read this a week.
I have to memorize your face, scorch it into my brain tissue, carve your perfect features into my mind. When I get home, if I could and we attended the same school, I’d get on Facebook and go through every student’s profile one by one until I find you. It’ll take a long time, but don’t worry. I’m very patient. And after some extensive research, I’ll discern what classes you’re taking, and, oh yes, I’ll enroll in those classes, academically excel at those classes, sit next to you in those classes, and you will ask me to help you in those classes. You will. You’ll need my help because I’ll be so proficient at the curriculum. But all creepiness aside.
I like and care (can't say love) you, and I don’t think we say that enough to our friends. But as much as I have ever loved a woman or my own family, in a very different and perfectly unique way, I really like you. Please remember that no matter what may happen down the road, no matter what man may break your heart or terrible event may befall you, that I will always keep the part of you you gave to me. I will always listen. Though that may lie dormant, though we may slip quietly into years-long stretches of not having the time to talk, I will never forget that it is there.
I want the world for you, and perhaps that is what I must thank you the most for. You have taught me what it is to be truly altruistic, to watch your life slowly starting to pass by without me in it and not feeling wronged or excluded. I want what is best for you, no matter what that means. I want to see you grow, even if from afar.
Please blog and talk to me when you can, and know that there will always be one of us on my mind. Even when, years from now, someone may see it and have no frame of reference for who that beautiful girl is next to me or on my monitor, I want to look at it often.
I promise that when we’re in the same state, when you’ve come back from your side of the world and I from mine, we’ll have a day together that will slip into a night and we’ll lose oxygen from all of the things we just need to say to each other. I promise that I will make the time. But I know in my heart that even if we punctuate our very opposite lives with a few precious moments of togetherness, that we are not what we are meant to be. And that’s okay. Were good/best friends, we looked forward to introducing our friends to each other, and we played until the early morning hours. We’ll always have that, and we don’t need to prove it to anyone, including ourselves.
I know you'll never come around because lets face it, I'm probably not your type of guy, but I’m somewhat comfortable in that. I smile when I think of the life you’re living, and won't begrudge you living it so fully when our friendship no longer fits into our schedules. Please know, above all else, that even though it’s not nearly as obsessed over in our society as romantic love, that you have changed me similar to the last girl that left me. I am a better person for having been your friend, and you are in everything I do. Be well, take care, and don't be surprised if one day I just don't show because you'll always be with me.
And by the way, that tea was nice, it was green tea, but I still needed a coffee afterwards.
Love,
Daryl
Phew...now that's out of my system I'm in the mood to play games again.
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